Monday, July 22, 2013

Insatiable hunger

There are times when I have such an unrelenting feeling of anxiety that I'm not doing something that I should be. This feeling always drives me to write a post because if I don't, I'll miss my chance to write something that I need to put down. My mom always told me, "do it right now before you forget." She still tells me and while it might imply that it's better to have something done before the opportunity expires, here the part of remembering serves a purpose that records thoughts that may pass. 

"No I am not, where I belong." Dallas Green otherwise known as City & Colour sings genius songs that put together words that seem to be such common thoughts, feelings, issues, but his patchwork of lines always seems to create such richly unique situations. That line stays with me because I never feel like I am where I am supposed to be. Am I simply avoiding a to-do list or am I really not following through with goals? Am I in a position to be working toward my best version of myself? Sometimes going to New York just means a simple visit to see my boyfriend. It means that going there could mean anywhere-- anywhere that he is. I'd follow him anywhere but New York is becoming more than a meeting place. I have reasons to be in LA of course but now that I've spent so much time there in NY, I find replacements for such bonds or at least reasons that allow me to leave here for large chunks of time without feeling bad. Perhaps a lot of my friends and family fear for the day I make such a move however they're already becoming accustomed to my absence.

The way I see life is by purpose and functionality. Emotion plays a large role and I'm often lead by emotions that I don't question but self-awareness is always present. I'm driven by making people think as much as I do. I never write articles that claim to hold truths or information that isn't found in the text. I wouldn't write a title that didn't accurately link to an article that elaborated everything indicated just as I wouldn't claim to be something I'm not. What I am is a seeker of bigger and better things constantly. I may not finish my dinner before my dessert or complete a goal before setting a new one but I will always seek to improve myself and my situation.

I bought a plane ticket to return to New York the night before I left to return to LA after a month and a half of being gone. I already bought a different outbound so I can get back there sooner. It's not about escape. It's not about ignoring priorities. I talked to a college advisor while I was in New York. I set up my fall classes. Before that I made the decision to enroll in an online summer class. I got my books mailed there and even started my class. I worked from there. I trained when I wasn't drenched in sweat from simply being at a standstill. My life resumed and I even took on more responsibility. New York isn't a vacation for me. I'm not lucky to be there. I'm working hard to be there and I deserve to be there, living there as I was and will be for the three week trip I chose to use as the remaining time of my summer break as it dwindles.

I won't get sappy but being away from Gianni hurts. It's that sadness that comes from missing out on important events mixed with heavy nostalgia and tossed with a side of insatiable hunger. There's a point in time after being with one person for awhile that you lose part of yourself and that person fills the hole that was left. You accommodate yourself with who they are, what they do and what routine you have together. So as much as you gain from being with someone and building a strong bond, the more you have to lose. And not only that, it makes it that much harder to separate yourself from them mentally, emotionally, physically. When you find someone who picks up what you lack, who evens out your odds and balances you, it's a shock to split yourself from that. I'm not just leaving someone who makes me feel good, I'm leaving a part of my life. I guess that's the best way to explain his role.

School for fall semester starts August 26 here in LA and I'm finally a senior after six years. If I cram in lots of credits I can graduate by Spring, or more realistically next summer. It's motivating yet still a burden to be working towards my degree. I just want to finish it. As far as Jiu-Jitsu, I failed at Pan Ams losing my first match to a great girl from Scandinavia specifically Norway and I placed third at Worlds losing to a girl from the Netherlands. Although I passed guard in my first match, it was a disappointing run where I gassed from a weight cut that should have been easy and both important events were overshadowed by covering the event for Graciemag. School, Graciemag, training. Ill be out of competition for awhile until I can work out a happy situation that doesn't require me to fail at one to secure success in other fields. I want to say that I'm an advocate for multi-tasking and going for many things at once. But right now I'm torn. Failing at one thing to me is failing at them all and I've cried, hit my head against a wall, thrown shit everywhere, yelled and felt extremely lost, disappointed and run down over it all. I can't stop but I've yet to figure out a solution. I refuse to believe that working for Graciemag is detrimental to my training, enough to cost me the world title, pan am title and the other golds I want. I'm slowly being forgotten as one of the top competitors at my rank and because losing a championship feels worse than losing a job or failing a class, I know I can't give up competing. I swear I will have a solution, just not yet. Ill post about Denmark and Sweden another time, this post is too long.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Invest in yourself not things

Sometimes I don't sign into my blog because it forces me to log out of my existing google-related websites. My email gets logged out and I have to reopen the gmail AND reconnect the graciemag email. It also logs me out of the google+ page and I have to go through three different windows just to get back to the setting that lets me post as graciemag. But eventually too much time passes, I have done a lot of work already in a day and my brain is working in a way that lets me write like myself.

I have all my tabs open all the time. The essential ones, anyway. The ones that remind me of my daily or weekly or even monthly tasks. I always have my email up because it's essential I'm reading it and using it often. Facebook is a no brainer. Flickr stays for when I need a picture for an article which is nearly every day. IBJJF stays up for references to dates, tournaments, results and all that important stuff I post about. Graciemag site stays up, one window for writing posts and another for either fact-checking, research or grabbing the picture in a portuguese article because I'm posting the translation and giving credit to the original author. Twitter and google+ stay up so that when I have to do the publishing and promoting of a post, it's easy to the article posted at facebook and those two quickly and easily. Mailchimp is up to remind me that I need to keep up with the autoresponder emails for Inverted gear.

I was told the other day that I'm no longer needed for that last tab. I was actually waiting for that because I'm not even technically sponsored by them anymore even though Nelson is my friend and stuff. They've been moving forward and I'm sort of left out of the loop anyways. It was only a matter of time until they figured out that as long as you're consistent and can think of interesting and useful advice/topics, email marketing is easy. I'll finish my last email today about how to handle yourself when losing a match and call it quits.

I've been in New Jersey at Gianni's house since I left home on June 8th. It seems like a long time and it feels it but then in the grand scheme, maybes it's not that long. We went to Denmark and I taught my first class ever at a camp led by BJJ Globetrotter Christian Graugart. I owe this subject much space in this post but it won't get much info because it happened awhile ago.

I'm not the type of blogger that wants to tell you everything that happens or every place I go to or every single thing I do. It would take the meaning out of writing here and I'd quit. Like I quit my travel blog. If you don't keep up with it, content racks up and you start being so overwhelmed that you no longer want to even post anymore. It's like falling behind in a class without a teacher to tell you to shape-up. But it's okay, I just need to talk about main points.

I covered an event this past weekend but not for graciemag. I just took photos. I feel like an asshole for writing it here and maybe I should tell them, but it's obviously not that important for them. There was a lot of hype for the event. With superfights and a whole conference of top guys to discuss how the rules and setup should be, you could expect a big event. Well, they never posted about it online once the event came. There was nothing on who won the superfights even though it would have taken two seconds to post it on social media from a phone. The photographs I took haven't been requested yet, there's no email saying where to post them like they said they would send. That's fine, and I don't care but as a person who covers events, it's a wrong move. No one will care about the event if you don't tell people about it after. If there's no press how is anyone supposed to figure out whether they are sad they missed it or decide they'll join in on a future event?

I applied for a job while I've been here in NJ and they responded no less than 8 hours after it was sent. My resume has grown and much more, my confidence. I can write content and I can build an audience through social media because it's what I've been responsible for. I'm not an expert and I can't make claims like "I'll get you 3,000 likes on facebook in a week" but I understand the value of my work and that's super important. I'm understanding the hard work that I do even if others might look at it as small, not serious of that I'm "living the dream."

I work remotely and I travel but I didn't see one thing in Abu Dhabi because I was busy working the event the entire time. The only things I saw were whatever was by the highway we drove on between one hotel and the other and the inside of said hotels. I didn't train as much as I should have for Worlds and Pan Ams because I was writing more than I normally do, visiting gyms to film/take pictures of their camps, traveling to IBJJF tournaments that I elected to take on as an effort to do more field work. I had to drop a class in this past semester of college because I knew I didn't have the resources to manage four classes so I opted for three in which I earned two A's. Now I'm taking a summer class, a full load next semester, a class in the winter session and a semester of five classes if I want to graduate next spring, marking seven years in college.

I'm in New Jersey because I know when school starts that I won't have much time to travel to NY and see Gianni. We've been together every single day since he came to LA on May 19th and the thought of leaving his side to go back home is something I avoid thinking about. I'm spending money while I'm out here, the money I should be using to pay off my credit card. I should be home training at Cobrinha's with my team and spending time with my biggest supporter, my mom. But the time here is well spent and I'm doing whatever I can to indulge before my time is up.

I've been thinking a lot about my career since I'm finally an official senior. It's hard to imagine living the life of a journalist where the work never ends and you're married to your job unless it's a really great position working for a well-known company. Desk work is not for me unless it's a desk that moves and travels along with me. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do in the long-run but for right now, I'm grateful for the position I have at graciemag.

Right now my biggest role model is any person who works hard towards something they're passionate about because it's usually against the grain, far from the beaten path and lonely. Luca, my boss, is constantly working towards new projects, bettering the company, working super long hours and fueled by excitement of what he's creating. That's admirable. People who don't rely on help from others to get where they are and understand that hard work is not just working long hours using your brain, hands or both. Hard work is having a goal that you're personally invested in that benefits you and betters you that reaps rewards. To me, I admire people who aren't driven by money as I've never been that way. Money gets you money. If you have no passions, you will use that money to find ways to get more money to use that money for things that society believes are good to have. Or you will sit on a lump sum that really does nothing but give you security that you have money should you ever need it.

I don't want to merely exist, or have goals that I'm "supposed" to have like that of owning a home, creating offspring, or traveling to resorts that have great reviews in magazines. I'd rather invest in experiences and have whatever keeps me able to do what I want.